but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)
I had been praying for 2 hours between midnight and dawn, and unexpectedly wept and wailed for my past, even though I said to myself, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.” (Phil 3:13)
I had been thinking about my past, again. There were many unanswered prayers, repeated shortcoming, detours, and disappointments in it. A sad past is not the problem, the problem is that I have always wanted it to change but it didn’t.
Like I said in my last post, I had been unemployed for 3 years now. Many students from my program had been working for years already, and they had passed the co-op program, meaning they are ahead of me 20k Canadian dollars at the minimum.
Thinking of that, I wept. I decided to work hard for financial independent 12 years ago ever since my dad insulted God and me by saying that he was the one who provided bread and clothing, not God, but I still chose to go to Church and stuff. It was so hurt. I remembered how he counted what he had done for me as a father with his fingers.
That year was so stressful that I developed eyes diseases, which have plagued me since.
After 12 years, I felt I had nothing to show for. After all the things that I have tried and invested time and energy in, I had nothing to show for. Maybe this blog will bring me somewhere I don’t know, but for now I got nothing. Maybe I have a lot of rewards in heaven now, but I am not sure.
Going back to the big dream I had about money 12 years ago.
Like I told you in another post. My career was not smooth.
There were humiliation and misunderstanding from family, carnal Christians, my love interest, and plain bullies because of my incompetence and mental weaknesses. They kept using my weaknesses against me. This is how the world runs. It is not compassion based, but fear and power based.
Thinking of some of the words my family and friends have spoken against me, I wept even more. (see the letter I sent to a blogger in this post for some of those)
I couldn’t help but thinking about how all my love interests ended up choosing non-Christians. Two of them trying to do missionary dating. The last one brought me the most humiliations and wounds. I saw her in nightmares.
I wept again. I thought about how even an unbeliever beat me by a land slide, academically and financially. He didn’t even try as hard. He got in and captured her heart just like that, while I had gone through so much rough for 2 years.
Then I thought about the glory of God the Father. I thought about how Jesus had always been able to glorify the Father in everything he does. I guess even His random thought and breathe glorified the Father.
Me, not so much at all. Looking at my past, how could anyone look at it and feel good about being a Christian? How could anyone who looked at this person in his 20s who couldn’t survive without his parents ever see it as positive?
I cried out to God and really asked Him to enable me to live a life that glorify Him from now on, and at that moment I really broke down, again, and wailed. It really hurt me to say the word glory, because I really didn’t think my life glorified God too much. I consumed air, food, and many resources by living, but I felt I had given nothing back.
I want to experience Him everyday from now on, at work, family, school (if I ever study again), and everything else. I wanted Him to reveal to me the path I should go so that I can be absolutely clear and affirm this time.
Speaking of school, I really couldn’t forget how depressed and unproductive I was in University. I kept praying and trying, but to no avail. Until one day, God really took away my bitterness and depression with one major hit. It was like a surgery: The last girl I loved whom I mentioned 5 paragraphs up went out with a non Christian.
That time I repressed for like 4-5 days, burning within. I was not burning with anger, but with all sorts of pains: regret, fear, confusion… and other emotions that I don’t want to mention here. On the 4th or 5th day, I broke down, weeping and wailing, on and off for a whole day. The sky was raining, on and off. When I wept, it rained. When I stopped it stopped. When I resumed weeping, it resumed raining.
God showed He cared and understood with the rain. Rains are His tears.
But it didn’t take away my unproductiveness and failures. They had kept coming after that episode, but I felt that my depression had mostly gone since.
Going back to the now, so I was praying still, crying out to God over and over again.
And I really really prayed that He will reveal to me His specific will, like where, what, when, who, and all sort of detail as to what I should do next to make money so I can provide for my family and set a good Christian example. I really wanted God to be very specific from now on.
I prayed for honors, which I never really had, except the Honor Bachelor Math degree I barely got after God miraculously toned down some key requirement for the program just when I failed some key courses. I thanked God for that.
I spoke out clearly what I prayed for. I spoke specifically. I rebuked all the demons that used to pull the strings behind my failures.
I really wanted my Dad and Mom to retire 3 years ago. If I had become an Actuary, that would have happened already, and my dad won’t remain the Duo priest that he still is now.
I really prayed and in the name of Jesus Christ ordered Satan to release what he has stolen from me and my family sevenfold.
Sometime, we need prayer like this one. We need passion, word of faith, sheer loudness, and focus if we are dealing with some strongholds that have been around for decades. Ordinary prayers won’t do.
To me, this time tears come naturally. I don’t even need to force it. In light of the information I gave you, I bet you could understand now why I was so emotional charged at the time. God simply channeled my emotional energy into one of my most passionate prayer ever.
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Tags: career, deliverance, prayer