Why did God give me the talents, but let them got destroyed by depression and other external factors beyond my control?
Did God not care about my success? Satan wants us to think that way.
Tonight I am studying an exam. Every practice question was painful to go through.
I am going to be a math teacher.
Maybe God wants me to understand something here. Maybe He is trying to show me that there is spiritual warfare behind each tiny step toward my calling in life?
It was so painful.
9 years of financial and career failures: unemployment, incomeless, and debt. Why? It’s mystery. Mystery is such a burden. (Ecc 1:13)
I “am” miserable. Misery makes me distracted and addicted to sinful pleasure to medicate myself.
Then God brought me to rememberance of some of my past sin: When I was in the internship program in my Uni year I “cursed” a potential employer because he showed up late. I “cursed” professor of a statistic class because I couldn’t understand what she was saying.
Then I failed the internship program, and later my GPA, especially for the statistic courses, never went higher than 70 in my whole University years. I barely got my honor degree.
I reaped the fruits of my mouth.
Proverbs 18:20
20A man’s belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth; and with the increase of his lips shall he be filled.
Psalm 34:12-16
12What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good?
13Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.
14Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.
15The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.
16The face of the LORD is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
The pains I was going through tonight caused suicidal thoughts to resurface.
It’s all good. I am repenting of my past sins here. Just some old baggage to deal with.
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Tags: Addiction, blessing, career, joy, peace, Productivity, success, wealth