Suddenly I realize that the reason I can’t help but sometime indulge in TV/movies drama and gaming was because I was not satisfied with my life. I would rather watch someone’s life or live a virtual life than engaging in the real one.
That explained a lot of thing. I have never realized that I was not really happy with a lot of things in my life, and therefore had to escape from it many times. I thought I was Christian so I had a good life. The Bible says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)
In my earlier posts I explained my sorrows because Satan had stolen a lot from me. If you keep track of what he has stolen from you, then you too, might feel what I felt.
In the last months, a lot of thoughts have been going through my head. They are “negative” thoughts that challenge the characters and existence of the Biblical God.
My personal experience seemed to contradict with the promises of God in almost every major area of my life. It also indicated what many unbelievers said about my faith were turning out to be true.
For example, the Bible says:
Ecclesiastes 5:18-19
18 Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. 19 Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. 20 He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.
I had been working hard, but didn’t get to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I reflect the days of my life a tons and feel miserable many times!
A lot of my beliefs had also turned out to be useless, unfulfilled, impractical, and counter-productive after encountering the test of reality. In the past, I saw it as necessary tests or lessons. But when I honestly looked at the Bible and compare what it says and what I experience, a crisis of faith emerges.
It is a good crisis. I think if I go through this and still find reasons to believe in the biblical God, then my faith will become true and powerful. I will experience a great breakthrough. If not, the worst case is that I might realize that it is a heap of lies. I might move on to achieve my own success and use the remainder of my life more effectively, without the burden of false beliefs.
I am income-less. I still suffer more health problem after many years of praying for it. Many of dreams and hopes didn’t get fulfilled. To add salt to the injuries, the reality sometimes went to the worst directions that I could have possibly imagined.
And I seldom experienced the miracles and supernatural dreams or prophesies that the Bible promised (Mark 16:17-18; Acts 2:17-18).
Nevertheless, I survived. Not because of my great faith or skills. But it just seemed that Satan isn’t allowed to go any further than he was able to. I lived on borrowed time and money. I drained other people resource to survive. Unbelievers supported my living expense and all that. This too, was what I feared many years ago, and not this fear manifested, to my dismay. A lot of my fears manifested, in fact.
A pastor scolded me and said I think too much and was unable to focus because of that. He said this was why I couldn’t land a job. His remark probably has some truth in it. His way of achieving success is based on not meditating on the words of God. It actually occurred to me that a lot of “christians” are doing what this pastor said, they said they believe in the Bible, but they don’t really give it much thought and they focus on what they really want in life.
A lot of my “christian” friends got what they wanted. I remembered how I admonished some of them to seek God’s will and pray and all that, but today I am one of the fewest persons I know who is jobless, incomeless, girlfriend-less, and all. Almost everyone achieved things that they decided to seek after when we were in college. And I have my Christian ministry, the blog bible-verses-insights.com.
Satan, I guess it was him, was trying to convince me to fornicate and leave God, if He existed and was in fact the Biblical God after all.
The Way Out For My Situation: The Warrior Mindset
The only branch of Christianity that is able to explain my situation is the word of faith group. Basically they believe that if the Biblical promises and truth don’t manifest in your life, it is either Satan’s work or lack of faith or both. After digesting their teaching and meditate on it repeatedly, I found this model to be very good at explaining my life experience. Note that I say “explaining” doesn’t mean it has to be true. At least it answers my questions without contradict its own belief system.
More importantly, I felt prompted and convicted by the Spirit of God to accept the teaching, unless it was actually me who created all this prompting and convictions because I was too deeply entrenched into my own faith.
I believe that you can think through everything and prepare everything for anything and still fail, because there are spiritual forces working against you. On the other hand, you can invest half the time and energy everyone invest in certain thing and still make it, because the spiritual forces allow you to.
I believe because I am a biblical Christian, the spiritual forces are working against me every cinch of my way. This is why my life is so hard and why unbelievers and unbiblical “Christians” around me all make it to their goals. A lot of them actually scolded me when given a chance. It really shows that the kingdom of God is a battle. If your life doesn’t show power and glory of God, no one will believe God because of you.
This shouldn’t be. My life should totally reflect the promises of God and awe everyone around me. I am sure a lot of people will accept Christ if only they see the power reveals in my life.
I think I am not warrior enough. Yes I have the promises and authority of God, but if I don’t exercise my rights and authority, the spiritual force of Satan will bully me.
I have to exercise my authority to command my circumstance, enemies, health, relationships, and all to mend toward the words of God say they should be, just like how Jesus rebukes the seas and cursed the tree (Matt 8:24-27; Mark 11:20).
What If This Is It?
If even the word of faith belief turned out to be wrong, then I don’t know. I will share my result for sure.
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