Play time is important

Smile is healthy

Laugher to cure diseases

lots of miracles sharing

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I already forgave. I just want a solution. Maybe I already have solution, but I just need to embrace it instead of looking back.

It’s a cycle of sadness, analyzing, flashbacks, clues, mental problems, mediocracy, and then more sadness.

I have been giving thanks, thinking positive, writing blog, but it’s surprising that things are still there to be overcome.

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Although people are often hostile and they don’t always understand me, the same people often played important roles in my success and growth from time to time. They are not always there, but when they do show up, they become crucial in my success.

People often seem unreliable and unfriends most of the times (to me), but you don’t know who will show up when you need them, and when they do they bring pleasant surprises. And they helps bringing me the breakthrough I need even though I didn’t expect them.

For examples, Victor Tan and Henry Lim, they brought me the votes I need to win the election for VP Internal. The muslim showed up to support me. A few counsellors showed up to defend me from the censure.

People always seem uninterested in me before, but as I grew older, I recall many times of favors and praises from the people I don’t expect to receive from.

I remember how I used to feel bad around them, and I didn’t expect any good things from them, but when the rare chance happen, they become crucial to my breakthrough. You just don’t know. For the longest time you think you are alone and unsupported, but when times come some good people rise up and defend you and support you.

My tutor students praised me. Even Jacky the Toronto student commented how I made thing easy when I was around.

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Loving thoughts are not abusive. They believe in the best, are hopeful, and they believe.

One abusive thought, and it will lead to chaos of the mind and heart. It unbalances the emotions and focus.

To have pure focus, loving thoughts are important.

When I study, I found out a lot of abusive thoughts pattern. It leads to waste time. When I become willing to love myself, I start to become more productive and energetic.

Love gives me more energy. It protects me from mood swings, and preserve energy.

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Incomeless: My future is fluid. It’s extremely flexible I can go anywhere and do anything I want.

Churchless: I can build the Lord’s church with 100% freedom. It’s going to become what God wants it to become.

Friends: I have a lot of friends who are willing to help me find a job, though they don’t always agree with me nor do they always make me feel good.

Love: People do love me in their own way.

Rejection: I become better and better at rejection. I no longer feel as bad. Now I can see it as changing people around me and changing my presentation. Spaghatti that remains on the wall will remain on the wall. I don’t have to sweat over it. Good friends come and go, best people stay.

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Revelation 3:17-18

¹⁷Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked:

¹⁸I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eyesalve, that thou mayest see.

Today, I realized that I had lost almost every major hope in every area of my life: love, family, career, finance, purity, honor, ministry, and health.

I am still in one piece. Thank God for my parents, because I am still jobless and still rely on my parents.

If I know a way to get out of this, I already did. And I think I did, because I was finally given the solution. Read my previous journal entries if you want to know more. Right now, I am just expectantly waiting for the manifestation of God’s promised prosperity.

I really believe that it was God who has reduced me to this, or at least for years He has allowed this to happen, in spite of my prayers and cries. Because of my reduction to obscurity, I realized the true need to rely fully on God, and that I am nothing without Him.

Many people have the same problems too, but are they willing to open their spiritual eyes to see their situation? Their situation is this: “thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked”.

Many people live like the riches, but have negative net worth. (for example, going to Cheesecake factory, eat out four times a week, buy expensive stuff, all by credit card)

Many people are functioning, but only if they still get their expensive prescription drugs. (Depression? Take this pill)

Many people have regrets, but they repressed them with positive thinking.

Many Church goers go to church every week, but they have nothing except human tradition, doctrines of deceptions, and a bunch of other boring, irrelevant teachings in their heads. Many of them were sincere and teachable, but each week they were slowly being taught to become religious rebels.

They are miserable, but when God knocks on their doors, they suddenly feel better and tell Him that “I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing”.

And they really believe that.

I think that’s because humans can’t survive if they always have perfect consciousness and awareness of their problems. You have to somehow separate your reality from your consciousness in order to function in this harsh life without God, or, if you are one of the church goers, without being God-centered.

For me, only when I have been repeatedly brought back to a low point every now and then, do I realize the truth— that I need to reject those doctrines of deceptions, that I need to embrace what the Bible really says about prosperity, that I should really live by faith each day, and that I have to admit that many the real, biblical teachings that were lost in most of our institutional churches today.

Only then, can I really glorify God.

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Did God not care about my success? Satan wants us to think that way.

Tonight I am studying an exam. Every practice question was painful to go through.

I am going to be a math teacher.

Maybe God wants me to understand something here. Maybe He is trying to show me that there is spiritual warfare behind each tiny step toward my calling in life?

It was so painful.

9 years of financial and career failures: unemployment, incomeless, and debt. Why? It’s mystery. Mystery is such a burden. (Ecc 1:13)

I “am” miserable. Misery makes me distracted and addicted to sinful pleasure to medicate myself.

Then God brought me to rememberance of some of my past sin: When I was in the internship program in my Uni year I “cursed” a potential employer because he showed up late. I “cursed” professor of a statistic class because I couldn’t understand what she was saying.

Then I failed the internship program, and later my GPA, especially for the statistic courses, never went higher than 70 in my whole University years. I barely got my honor degree.

I reaped the fruits of my mouth.

Proverbs 18:20

²⁰A man’s belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth; and with the increase of his lips shall he be filled.

Psalm 34:12-16

¹²What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good?

¹³Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.

¹⁴Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.

¹⁵The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.

¹⁶The face of the LORD is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

The pains I was going through tonight caused suicidal thoughts to resurface.

It’s all good. I am repenting of my past sins here. Just some old baggage to deal with.

Relevant Read:

Idle Word Loses Life

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What kept me from doing so was because I didn’t have knowledge of the effectiveness of fasting specifically for the eternal destiny of a loved one’s . But last week I finished reading 2 books by Derek Prince in a Christian bookstore, and I was convicted by his teaching to fast for my family.

So last Wednesday I fasted for my mom, and tonight I am just starting to fast for my dad. The order was of some importance. I dreamed last week that my mom suddenly dropped dead, after we had tea and had a not so pleasant conversation about my jobless situation.

In my dream I was very upset for her death. I mourned because I knew she was going to Hell right after her last breath and she still hadn’t seen God’s deliverance for my financial situation yet. How I longed for the glory of God to be revealed in my family!

I refuse to let any of my family member die before they see the glory of God and invite Him to be their Lord and Savor.

I thank God for His prophetic warning and so I fasted for my mom, praying for her eternal destiny by asking God to lead her to repentance and be born again.

Tonight not only am I going to pray for my dad for the same thing, I am actually going to proclaim that I am going to prosper and his business dwindle. (He makes a living by providing folkloric funeral service as a pagan priest)

There is great power in the tongue. God created it for us to use it.

I bless my father so that his business will dwindle while I prosper, so he can retire soon and God can provide for my family through me, and they will see God demonstrating His power.

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I really came out of the closet – about the fact that I don’t believe in the “one saved, always saved” and the “Rapture is for every believer” theories, and the fact that I think most of what our church teaches and doesn’t teaches have so far failed to equip me to face most of my challenges in life.

Should you tell these things to your brothers and sisters? While I don’t usually tell the church folks what I really believe to avoid a fight, I think at the end of the day you should let your brothers and sisters know.

The aforementioned theories really did major disservices to sincere Christians, insincere Christians, and anything in between, because the theories undermine the importance to watch out for what is to come – the future judgments: the Tribulation and even Hell.

I also shared with them a tiny bit about the trials I had been through. It was quite hard to have to explain to someone who has always been doing well in a typical job why you have been incomeless and unemployed for 3 years.

Generational curses and verbal curses were the major factors that break my destiny.

Before I went for lunch with them, I’d spend an hour praying to God. It was saddening to pray about my past and ask God what I should say if the couple ask about my “job hunt”. I was wandering in the desert financially.

How do I explain this to them?

I had lost so much honor and opportunities in the past already. And here I have to explain to other about it and make myself go through the entire memory bank again!

So I started off by telling them how I have this conviction to seek God’s perfect will for my life in everything, including job search, and that God hasn’t really instructed me where I should go in terms of job finding. (Proverbs 3:5-6) (And I do have sent out applications, even to Wal Mart, but all doors closed. I was once hired for a week and was said to be over qualified. The owner and I had a lot in common, even went to the same church, but it didn’t last over a week)

Basically, when I worked, I was always on the verge of getting fired. If there were options, I often ended up choosing the slow and crooked path. When there were opportunities, they often slipped through my hands in the last second. Blessing evaded me most of the time.

I doubled and tripled my will. I prayed. I read. I sought help. Every door closed. I joined a Network Marketing company to keep myself positive, since NM usually have those pumping-you-up prep talks and positive thinking rules, but even that turned sour. Positive thinking without Truth and God is futile.

I couldn’t explain my suicidal thoughts. I couldn’t stop my depression. I had short attention span. Every dream I cherished ended up broken. Almost every nightmare that I dreaded get fulfilled. (But I think God really kept some of the worst ones from happening, such as I didn’t really commit suicide, and I didn’t go blind, even though my eyesight haven’t got healed yet)

As a result, I also had to spend a lot of time to come to term with my memory and try to know the whys. But the down side of that was, the more time you had, the more your brain will find things to occupy those time. The more time you give your brain, the more it thinks.

Okay, back to the topic.

God told me the major reason of all these was because of curses that still operated in my life, so I was able to break them after learning these things. Demons feed upon curses and they really go after anyone who is under curse(s).

Also, there was my own problem – my own lack of faith? I thought I had faith, but I had failed to speak the word of faith often! As Christians, we should speak the word of God with faith, not verbalize the negatives of the situation nor complains. Over the year, my negative confessions often get fulfilled. Speaking of self-fulfilling prophecies. See my view on What Is Faith

After I learned about these things, I was really shocked, but now I have to explain them to my Baptist fellows. Baptist Churches don’t teach these things.

I have been told to keep quiet about my new findings because they can cause such a big impact to others. Well, millions of churchgoers could be going to hell without knowing it. We have millions of people in the churches today, but not all of them are getting saved in the end. I know it for a fact. They must at least be given a fair treatment by telling them the truth.

False security will only drastically increase one’s chance of falling into sins and refusing to repent:

Hebrews 3:12-13

12See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. ¹³But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

Today was such a battle for me, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. And people kept asking me about my “job hunt”…

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