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Avoidance of tasks that require stable focus

Comments from my driving instructor/coach

Comments about my lack of cohesiveness and timing during conversation

I told Jessica Yu’s mom about my lack of focus during workplace and she recommended me to see professional but I didn’t

Always made a blunder in Second Cup and Fish and Chips

Messed up with Hugo Lam Uncle’s model and then more

Couldn’t complete a finanical form in Primerica

Couldn’t get things organized

Stretch out assignment and take a whole day to finish a simple form, task, or assignment

Takes a while to realize people are talking to me

Focus quite well one day and the next few days decline sharply, and the next few days unable to function

Basketball only perform well for a while, and then not anymore

Always have several ideas at the time and always have to think through every thought to connect them

Pastor Cheung told me to get a doctor!

Bobby Tan and Geoncarlo both commented that I didn’t seem so focus.

Always make a blunder when filling out long forms.

May Lok commented I looked silly on the outside but wise on the inside.

Evaluation from Federation of Students Suzanne Burdett

Imprints reported my performance that hints at my conditions.

Often implusively talk and make implusive decisions to take long walks with Gary Kong

Often seek instant gratification and easily get bored

Have hyperfocus/addictions

Can’t pray for long or falling asleep

Have urges

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I did graduate with an honor degree in Actuarial science though…(through sheer willpower, intelligence, and God’s grace) Even easy jobs are hard to hold on to. I often was on the blinks of getting fired, and was living on bosses’ and parents’(my abusers) mercy. It wasn’t good feeling.

All your life you attract bullies b/c they don’t like anyone who acts differently (My would be bullies always got into troubles themselves though, cuz God was with me. Beside I hv ADHD but I wasn’t stupid). ADHD sufferers are very different than normal ppl so they get irritated by you, even though ur not standing in their ways. Parents abuses you emotionally, trying to test you, change you, fix you, correct you… through non-stop verbal attacks, and sometimes violence. A hammer is always a good tool in fixing broken machines… Yay!

Well when you can’t focus at all, it’s always a stage of frustration. You feel guilty, undisciplined, unorganized, out-of-control, disoriented, lazy… but you try and try and try. You double and redouble your willpower, and many years later it trains you to become a very strong willed person, but willpower will not and never can defeat a mental illness like ADHD. Teachers and peers look you down, thinking ur just a joke.

Now ur an adult, getting out of school only make it all the more obvious that you are getting more and more behind than ur peers. Maybe like me, through sheer willpower or miracles you managed to get a good education, but entering the real world, a whole new different challenges came, and being ADHD of course it takes much longer for you to adjust and adapt. U want to be self-employed just to avoid failures at work. U think working at ur own pace might be a solution, but self-employed require even more focus and discipline, not less. U failed, and few years passed by, making it even harder to find a job. Now friends and family think ur a joke.

It’s also spiritual abuses, because you feel like God isn’t hearing your prayers. You pray and pray and pray but the problems never go away. You still feel guilty, lazy, unmotivated, unfocus… Then the shock of discovering what ADHD is about and that you have it, and you always wonder if it’s real or you just make it up as an excuse, and people judging you thinking you just exaggerated. They all said “ya, I am like that too, I get distracted easily and make a lot of mistakes, but I try very hard and I succeed… blah blah blah” A good friend of mine, who is super successful, said to me ” Your lucky your mom didn’t kick you out” He made it a point to repeat it several times during a phone conversation, to make sure it’s painful enough for me to get the point, even though secretly I have already been thinking and ashamed of that for years.

U are fully aware of what’s going on (more like down), but u can’t help it. Each and everyday you see life is passing u by (not being able to focus make u aware of time passing even more When ur not focus u check the clock often) You feel guilty, ashamed… You feel like a parasite that survive only b/c of people’s charity and mercy and tolerance. You feel unfillfilled…

For some who have kids, which are both blessing and burden (if you have ADHD), but for me, a 30 years old without wife and kids, it gave me another set of problems. The loneliness… The empty spaces in your life. The invisible kids that are running around in your home that you wish you had but have not. Then you go to library like an average unemployed person that you are, and you see all these kids hanging out there, and sometimes you see beautiful women of child bearing age, and you wonder if they will ever marry you…

Life pass you by and you are only getting older, and even ppl from online dating sites think ur old, but those who are old, fornicated for years, have wedlock kids, might consider you, but even they might still think you suck cuz ur not making money. You look at your resume and you don’t know how to explain the gaps to any employer. You want to find a blue collar jobs but wonder if it’s wasting your time and preventing you from finding something better… Once u pass 30 and still working odd jobs and who is going to hire u for corporations jobs? So on and on…

And its only 30 years of my life… how depressing it is to think that there might be another 30 years ahead of you…

Even if ADHD disappeared overnight, you just lose a reasonable explanation to employers why you end up where you are at (since ur a healthy person now) You will still live with the consequences of previous unemployment gaps, you still live with your age (even though I didn’t waste it. I tried and tried and tried to make the most of it I could. I didn’t party, smoke, nor fornicate)

Now what?

Suffering does have a point I guess. I pray that its not pointless suffering. I pray that it would make me a good teacher (applying for teacher college), or a minister (sympathize with people who are suffering).

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I already forgave. I just want a solution. Maybe I already have solution, but I just need to embrace it instead of looking back.

It’s a cycle of sadness, analyzing, flashbacks, clues, mental problems, mediocracy, and then more sadness.

I have been giving thanks, thinking positive, writing blog, but it’s surprising that things are still there to be overcome.

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I didn’t care. I was too emotionally spent to care. I was bombarded by childhood memories, the pains, regrets, lost, and everything bad that came to my mind during my study. I was so spent after a few hours.

I didn’t even realize how many thoughts had passed through my mind prior to my fall for private anime. It went on and on. The fear of being incomeless and the fear of uncertainty in the future and all that also presented.

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On the surface, positive thinking is similar to words of faith Christianity, but it’s very different.

Positive thinking avoid convictions. It can’t repent, or admit wrong. Everything has to be positive, even if the elephant is in the room.

It’s legalistic, which makes you feel like you are doing something good but it isn’t. Positive thinking doesn’t deliver. Positive thinking isn’t back up by solid truth, which is powerful and unchanging. It makes you feel good, but feeling is nothing. You can feel what you want. You can feel like you can achieve anything, but the circumstance isn’t obligated to obey your feeling, nor your feeble belief.

Words of faith, however, can deliver in any circumstance, over any opposition. There are many evil circumstances and “negative” people on earth. We can never avoid all “negative energy”. With the words of God, whatever promise in the Bible you believe without doubt will deliver, and override any circumstance and verbal curse that people can ever utter. It delivers and produces regardless of what other people say or feel.

You don’t have to feel good. You don’t have to find something positive in everything to talk about or to be thankful for. You don’t have to visualize the future you want to create. You only have to agree with God’s words and disagree with anything that contradict it. Be thankful because God is going to bless you according to His words, not because of whatever evils that He “allowed” into your life. Satan is the one who steal, kill, and destroy, not God.

You keep believing, and keep rebuking anything that contradicts His words. You keep verbalize your faith and reaffirm you convictions, and then bloom, it will deliver.

And when it delivers, it feels unearthly. It feels distant. It feels like as though I was not the one who experienced what I just experienced. It feels like everything somehow worked according to what the words of God says it should work.

In fact, if I feel anything at all it might have been stress. I feel like I am such a broken, small vessel to contain the power of God. I feel like my flesh was so feeble that I couldn’t have achieved what I did achieve. I was simply dragged along by the perfect and miraculous power of His words. Even the drag feels too stretched for my inflexible self. I was so slow and clumsy, comparing with the power of God that is dragging me to a high level I cannot achieve in my own comfort zone and level of competence.

Words of faith is for militant, warrior, and conqueror. Such people are not afraid of the enemies. Positive thinking folks have to avoid negatives at all times. But the words of faith warrior confront the evil and dark world. Positive thinking try to think things into existence, but what they don’t know is ‘WHO’ is helping them to materialize their thought. They call it the universal power source, or supreme being. We call him Satan.

This world is filled with demons and Satanic angels. Unbelievers are under their manipulations. Only God or Satanic beings will ever make something out of nothing in this world. So if you are not with God, you are with Satan, and that’s what positive thinking is really powered by.

The problem is many Christian mixed word of faith with positive thinking, and cannot distinguish which one they are really practicing. Satan will be very happy to lend you a hand and materialize whatever you want to manifest, as long as he can pull you further and further into witchcraft. At least he will confuse you so you can’t practice the pure word of God if he can’t bribe you into his kingdom.

You might think that I learned the positive thinking before I entered the land of milk and honey in the realm of words of faith. No, I stumbled upon the principle of words of faith first, without knowing what it really was, but I got to experience some results, then I got confused by positive thinking and other empty teachings. I also get confused by people who didn’t really know what words of faith theology was, but tried to teach me how to meditate on God’s words and stuff. They wrote so many books for it too, which successfully wasted me so much time.

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I really came out of the closet – about the fact that I don’t believe in the “one saved, always saved” and the “Rapture is for every believer” theories, and the fact that I think most of what our church teaches and doesn’t teaches have so far failed to equip me to face most of my challenges in life.

Should you tell these things to your brothers and sisters? While I don’t usually tell the church folks what I really believe to avoid a fight, I think at the end of the day you should let your brothers and sisters know.

The aforementioned theories really did major disservices to sincere Christians, insincere Christians, and anything in between, because the theories undermine the importance to watch out for what is to come – the future judgments: the Tribulation and even Hell.

I also shared with them a tiny bit about the trials I had been through. It was quite hard to have to explain to someone who has always been doing well in a typical job why you have been incomeless and unemployed for 3 years.

Generational curses and verbal curses were the major factors that break my destiny.

Before I went for lunch with them, I’d spend an hour praying to God. It was saddening to pray about my past and ask God what I should say if the couple ask about my “job hunt”. I was wandering in the desert financially.

How do I explain this to them?

I had lost so much honor and opportunities in the past already. And here I have to explain to other about it and make myself go through the entire memory bank again!

So I started off by telling them how I have this conviction to seek God’s perfect will for my life in everything, including job search, and that God hasn’t really instructed me where I should go in terms of job finding. (Proverbs 3:5-6) (And I do have sent out applications, even to Wal Mart, but all doors closed. I was once hired for a week and was said to be over qualified. The owner and I had a lot in common, even went to the same church, but it didn’t last over a week)

Basically, when I worked, I was always on the verge of getting fired. If there were options, I often ended up choosing the slow and crooked path. When there were opportunities, they often slipped through my hands in the last second. Blessing evaded me most of the time.

I doubled and tripled my will. I prayed. I read. I sought help. Every door closed. I joined a Network Marketing company to keep myself positive, since NM usually have those pumping-you-up prep talks and positive thinking rules, but even that turned sour. Positive thinking without Truth and God is futile.

I couldn’t explain my suicidal thoughts. I couldn’t stop my depression. I had short attention span. Every dream I cherished ended up broken. Almost every nightmare that I dreaded get fulfilled. (But I think God really kept some of the worst ones from happening, such as I didn’t really commit suicide, and I didn’t go blind, even though my eyesight haven’t got healed yet)

As a result, I also had to spend a lot of time to come to term with my memory and try to know the whys. But the down side of that was, the more time you had, the more your brain will find things to occupy those time. The more time you give your brain, the more it thinks.

Okay, back to the topic.

God told me the major reason of all these was because of curses that still operated in my life, so I was able to break them after learning these things. Demons feed upon curses and they really go after anyone who is under curse(s).

Also, there was my own problem – my own lack of faith? I thought I had faith, but I had failed to speak the word of faith often! As Christians, we should speak the word of God with faith, not verbalize the negatives of the situation nor complains. Over the year, my negative confessions often get fulfilled. Speaking of self-fulfilling prophecies. See my view on What Is Faith

After I learned about these things, I was really shocked, but now I have to explain them to my Baptist fellows. Baptist Churches don’t teach these things.

I have been told to keep quiet about my new findings because they can cause such a big impact to others. Well, millions of churchgoers could be going to hell without knowing it. We have millions of people in the churches today, but not all of them are getting saved in the end. I know it for a fact. They must at least be given a fair treatment by telling them the truth.

False security will only drastically increase one’s chance of falling into sins and refusing to repent:

Hebrews 3:12-13

12See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. ¹³But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

Today was such a battle for me, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. And people kept asking me about my “job hunt”…

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The book talks about how a pastor and his small church had prayed for 30 nights in 2005. They encountered demons, many many demons, met Jesus frequently, visited heaven and hell, protected by angels, and received gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Half of the church had their spiritual eyes opened, so they could literally see the spiritual realm, and what they described about what were really going on spiritually matched what I read from other testimonies of Christians who had visited heaven and hell, battled with demons, and met God.

They couldn’t have been making it all up, because the experience of this little Korean church couldn’t have so many similarities with other testimonies from around the globe if they were lying. And I found no direct conflicts of their experience and theology with the Bible.

It really deepened the understanding of my own Christian walk. The branches of Christianity I have been part of had been under-educated in demonology, and as a result so many of us are defenseless against demons and Satan.

It enlightened me why I have lost so many battles in the past, even though I have done almost everything I have been taught by every great Christian book and every pastor I could get access of.

My teachers simply didn’t teach me that our entire sky is literally clouded with demons of every kind, and no ray of light could pass through the demonic wall, if you see it with your spiritual eyes. That’s how dire our situation is!

No matter what you do, Satan can simply send a couple of demons to harass you so much that you fail, and foil your effort in every way, without you ever discover the cause of your misfortune. And if you ever rebuke a demon or two in the name of Jesus, Satan simply send a dozen more, and more as needed.

They could keep coming at you day in and night out until you get exhausted.

The little Korean Church had battled thousands, and later thousand of thousands of demons that had been sent their way to knock out their ministry, trying to prevent them from publish the books.

Even some of the most demonologically educated branches of Christianity couldn’t match the power of this ministry of “Baptize By Blazing Fire”, because none of the teaching actually describe the reality of our situation by physically seeing the demons that are working against us.

To really win the battle, one or two rebuke or binding Satan in the name of Jesus Christ aren’t enough. You knock out the low ranking demons, and the stronger one will come, and more and more of them will reinforce the battle until they overwhelm you.

Without the spiritual eyes opened, one can wonder why rebuking Satan in the name of Jesus Christ doesn’t seem to work, while in reality, you are battling hundreds of demons, so one or two rebukes are never enough.

It really take advanced spiritual tactics, knowledge, and weapons to win the battles.

I am convinced that if you can’t hear directly from Jesus and see Him frequently, you can’t truly win the battles.

Since I started to do self-deliverance from generational curses and spirits, I discovered there were retaliation from kingdom of Satan. Some were like demons influencing my humans authorities to curse me.

Another evidence was, my younger brother was hearing strange noise in my room these days when I was not there. It could be my guardian angels, however, because I have been releasing angelic protection around the premises recently.

One afternoon in about a month or two ago, I was napping, and just when I was waking up I couldn’t move but I was hearing loud noises of someone banging the door of my bedroom and stomping in. I saw a being in my vision who appeared in the form of my mother, wearing a white robe that angel wear but my real mom doesn’t have robe like that, and “it” stared down at me without saying a word. A split second later, I was able to open my eyes and stand up but saw no one in my room, all was quiet.

I am sure it was a demon, but I was not scared. It could be a demon that had been feeding on my ancestor’s curse line, which I recently broke and it could be angry about the fact that I broke the curse in the name of Jesus Christ.

If you ever become a God lover, Satan has you on his hit list.

He will use all kind of tricks on his hand book to try to destroy your fruitfulness as God’s children.

But we have to get better in the things of God anyway, because there is no better alternative, the only alternative is hell. Generally, Satan doesn’t attack someone who is already heading hell.

I re-discovered from the book the importance of kneeling and praying aloud with my hand lift up. I used to do that in my first few years since I’d been going to church.

I never felt into sleep that way, but since I do contemplative prayer more and more I fell into sleep during prayer often.

Satan deceived me and made me think that it didn’t matter as long as I remain prayerful all day long. One or two nap wouldn’t hurt, Satan says.

But no, we have to pray with our hand lift up and pray aloud if we could. As long as there is no one near by who may be disturbed by out loud prayer, we should pray in that mode.

30 nights of prayers in that form literally help that little Korean church experience victory over the devils and Satan himself, and receive many gifts from heaven.

I am reinstating this kind of prayer as frequent as I can. I think I will experience the same things soon.

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Going through the notes reminded me of what I had been going through each semester.

I found that my college life was a long, dark tunnel of repeated academic mediocrity, financial dependency, disorganization, depression, betrayal and broken promises from friends, suicidal thoughts…

I noted how I had been trying to improve some of my academic weakness such as focus and self-discipline, and I had been seeking hard after God for spiritual insights that can change my situations, but looking back I could see a lot of unanswered prayers over a long period of time.

I joined a network marketing company at some point during the dark period because I yearned for a positive environment, instead I got manipulated by legalistic, and even some of the very negative people I had ever known. My upline cursed me. (The NM representative who recruits you is called upline and you are his downline)

I failed internship in college. I failed even music courses. I manged to be a survivor in my program (math), but merely surviving. I felt as though I had studied nothing at all. What I learned didn’t help me land a meaningful job, nor was it useful for anything.

I had wanted to quit all my addictions and bad habits since DAY 1 of my college years, but by the end of college I acquired some more.

I dedicated my marriage into God’s hand and had a big dream, but it got broken, shredded, and at the end it felt like a sharp knife piercing into my heart many times.

I found shames and forlornness, instead of the wonderful, romantic dream being fulfilled. My story was worst than those who practiced casual dating.

Every time there was a breakthrough and passing of a test, I was soon being thrown back into many many times more confusion, walking in circles instead of continual breakthrough that I need to complete my quests, and frustrations.

I had dedicated my firstfruit to God, but I didn’t receive the harvest in return. I was kept in poverty. I spent the best chunk of my time to seek God, but suffered guilt, mediocrity, and defeats for the rest of the time.

But I thank God for that. Am I crazy? No.

I thank God because I learned something important through the ordeals.

It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. Psalm 119:71

If I had been blessed with an easier life, and a straight path to success, I wouldn’t have learned to fear the word of God, and the reality of blessing and curse. I wouldn’t have been as passionate as I am now to teach this principle to others, and set them free with this truth.

I was cursed because of my ancestors’ sins, and I was also cursed because of every evil word that had been spoken over me by my human authorities, which God had placed over me for good reasons, but somehow the human factor went wrong and Satan was able to manipulate them into cursing me… If it sounds unbelievable to you, then let me remind you of the story of Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit. They were created perfect, but…

The system that God has placed over me, which was intended to be my blessing, was corrupted.

I didn’t recognize these curses in my life that had been supernaturally and invisibly affecting my destiny and sabotaging my best efforts for many years until very recently.

It explained some of my health problems. It explained why I couldn’t focus well and long enough. It exposed the invisible barrier that had been working against me, which I somehow had felt but couldn’t explain over the years.

Because I have gone through so much hardship, I am much more certain that the reality of blessing and curse is very very real. A lot of churches today don’t teach that. Some pastors even speak evil words (curses) over those whom God had put under them, and thus destroyed their destinies and callings. These leaders, authorities, and parents have bloods of the innocences in their hands.

For he will deliver the needy when he cries for help, The afflicted also, and him who has no helper. Psalm 72 :12

He saw that there was no one, he was appalled that there was no one to intervene; so his own arm worked salvation for him, and his own righteousness sustained him. Isaiah 59:16

For many years, I was affected by curses, without knowing it. Curses also blocked me from receiving major spiritual insights that I needed. Sincerity isn’t enough. Dedication isn’t enough. If a Christian is under curse, things won’t be fair for him or her.

Finally, I think even the Lord was appalled by my situation and He came to my rescue even though I was left to die under curses by humans. He might have waiting for someone to rescue me, but of course if you live in the world long enough you know nowadays many innocent and good people die without anyone rescue them anyway. For example, aborted babies.

At the end, one of my mentors finally said something about curse and I looked that up, and dada! I found it. See below:

Recommended Reading

Deliverance From Demons And Curses

Blessing Or Curse: You Can Choose by Derek Prince (I consider it the best source I have found to date, but you have to buy it from bookstore)

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