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I thought about doing youtube videos and make money that way.

From now on I am focusing on doing more youtube and blog articles.

It seems like clarity dawn in. It took ADHD to stop me from taking the Actsc exams. I guess from now on I will not spend so much time on something like that anymore. Will I?

God has already told me what to do. I need the focus and courage to do them.

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I did graduate with an honor degree in Actuarial science though…(through sheer willpower, intelligence, and God’s grace) Even easy jobs are hard to hold on to. I often was on the blinks of getting fired, and was living on bosses’ and parents’(my abusers) mercy. It wasn’t good feeling.

All your life you attract bullies b/c they don’t like anyone who acts differently (My would be bullies always got into troubles themselves though, cuz God was with me. Beside I hv ADHD but I wasn’t stupid). ADHD sufferers are very different than normal ppl so they get irritated by you, even though ur not standing in their ways. Parents abuses you emotionally, trying to test you, change you, fix you, correct you… through non-stop verbal attacks, and sometimes violence. A hammer is always a good tool in fixing broken machines… Yay!

Well when you can’t focus at all, it’s always a stage of frustration. You feel guilty, undisciplined, unorganized, out-of-control, disoriented, lazy… but you try and try and try. You double and redouble your willpower, and many years later it trains you to become a very strong willed person, but willpower will not and never can defeat a mental illness like ADHD. Teachers and peers look you down, thinking ur just a joke.

Now ur an adult, getting out of school only make it all the more obvious that you are getting more and more behind than ur peers. Maybe like me, through sheer willpower or miracles you managed to get a good education, but entering the real world, a whole new different challenges came, and being ADHD of course it takes much longer for you to adjust and adapt. U want to be self-employed just to avoid failures at work. U think working at ur own pace might be a solution, but self-employed require even more focus and discipline, not less. U failed, and few years passed by, making it even harder to find a job. Now friends and family think ur a joke.

It’s also spiritual abuses, because you feel like God isn’t hearing your prayers. You pray and pray and pray but the problems never go away. You still feel guilty, lazy, unmotivated, unfocus… Then the shock of discovering what ADHD is about and that you have it, and you always wonder if it’s real or you just make it up as an excuse, and people judging you thinking you just exaggerated. They all said “ya, I am like that too, I get distracted easily and make a lot of mistakes, but I try very hard and I succeed… blah blah blah” A good friend of mine, who is super successful, said to me ” Your lucky your mom didn’t kick you out” He made it a point to repeat it several times during a phone conversation, to make sure it’s painful enough for me to get the point, even though secretly I have already been thinking and ashamed of that for years.

U are fully aware of what’s going on (more like down), but u can’t help it. Each and everyday you see life is passing u by (not being able to focus make u aware of time passing even more When ur not focus u check the clock often) You feel guilty, ashamed… You feel like a parasite that survive only b/c of people’s charity and mercy and tolerance. You feel unfillfilled…

For some who have kids, which are both blessing and burden (if you have ADHD), but for me, a 30 years old without wife and kids, it gave me another set of problems. The loneliness… The empty spaces in your life. The invisible kids that are running around in your home that you wish you had but have not. Then you go to library like an average unemployed person that you are, and you see all these kids hanging out there, and sometimes you see beautiful women of child bearing age, and you wonder if they will ever marry you…

Life pass you by and you are only getting older, and even ppl from online dating sites think ur old, but those who are old, fornicated for years, have wedlock kids, might consider you, but even they might still think you suck cuz ur not making money. You look at your resume and you don’t know how to explain the gaps to any employer. You want to find a blue collar jobs but wonder if it’s wasting your time and preventing you from finding something better… Once u pass 30 and still working odd jobs and who is going to hire u for corporations jobs? So on and on…

And its only 30 years of my life… how depressing it is to think that there might be another 30 years ahead of you…

Even if ADHD disappeared overnight, you just lose a reasonable explanation to employers why you end up where you are at (since ur a healthy person now) You will still live with the consequences of previous unemployment gaps, you still live with your age (even though I didn’t waste it. I tried and tried and tried to make the most of it I could. I didn’t party, smoke, nor fornicate)

Now what?

Suffering does have a point I guess. I pray that its not pointless suffering. I pray that it would make me a good teacher (applying for teacher college), or a minister (sympathize with people who are suffering).

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I already forgave. I just want a solution. Maybe I already have solution, but I just need to embrace it instead of looking back.

It’s a cycle of sadness, analyzing, flashbacks, clues, mental problems, mediocracy, and then more sadness.

I have been giving thanks, thinking positive, writing blog, but it’s surprising that things are still there to be overcome.

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I see that joy is the strength. I need it. If I stress myself too much I will either get sick or seek after things that destress me but not healthy for me. I had conditioned myself to de-stress myself with addictions, and associate work with fears and stress.

I have to consciously relax and it will help me focus more. When there is room, joy and success can enter it.

If we are faithful with small thing, then God will give me bigger thing too. If we cannot be happy when we have 1 friend, then how can God give us more friends?
If we are not happy with one task, then how can God entrust us with more opportunities?

I find that I have to protect my restful day. I have to consciously keep away from negative thoughts and stresses.

I can’t avoid time-wasters if I try to multi-task so much. The stress of that will cause me to look for distractions here and there.

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Do not be anxious about anything. Be loving to yourself and others. For me, I work primarily with the mind. I want to fill it with loving thoughts.

I will have to take step, instead of trying to finish everything at once. I realize I do need break. I want to know why people like John Wesley can focus for weeks at a time, but they do get sick too. Maybe they have their success as motivators, and the thrills keep them going. For me, I don’t have much success so I have to endure alone, with God perhaps.

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When I consciously create rooms, good stuff is able to fill it. From now on when you have important projects to complete, then empty yourself and your schedule. Make it so boring that you want to desperately want to do something. And make that project so inconsequencial so that you are not intimidated to do it, and then you will do it.

This is how to become diligent?

Do not time box your day so much that you are always think about the next thing to do. Do not look for distractions to feel productive while being intimidated by the project you actually want to do, and then you will do it without procrastination.

Learn to consciously dissociate the fears from the project in question, and make your heart glad that you have something to do or you will become so bored. Tend to your spiritual and psychological need by spending time with God and yourself, letting your heart and mind know that it’s okay, it’s safe, it’s fun to do what you actually wants to do.
Make it a goal to only create room for the thing you want to do, otherwise do nothing so that it becomes so bored you prefer to do that.

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Loving thoughts are not abusive. They believe in the best, are hopeful, and they believe.

One abusive thought, and it will lead to chaos of the mind and heart. It unbalances the emotions and focus.

To have pure focus, loving thoughts are important.

When I study, I found out a lot of abusive thoughts pattern. It leads to waste time. When I become willing to love myself, I start to become more productive and energetic.

Love gives me more energy. It protects me from mood swings, and preserve energy.

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It will require much less willpower and energy.

When I used to try to focus and beat addiction, was I just hurting myself instead?

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We completely agreed that this opportunity manifested because of our word of faith. If we had been negative, we wouldn’t had encountered this opportunity.

So we went to work on setting up shop to sell this product for about a week, and then I got sick for a few days and things got slowed down a bit as the project was getting finished. There was a spiritual warfare going on, which I believed was Satan trying to sabotage our project and made us doubt.

Things looked bright though. When I was sick I just kept on visualizing the prospect of developing something big, something comprehensive, for God online. Basically, me and my friend will be building more income-generating assets like this one we were doing, and start creating Youtube videos, article marketing campaigns, and other online and offline marketing outlets to market our Lord Jesus Christ and the full Gospel.

Full Gospel means the whole truth, not some “once saved always saved” or “find a local church and just join them and you will be fine” kind of well-intended deceptions.

It also includes miracle healing and deliverance from evil spirits.

That’s the long term goal. Let’s go back to our small project to sell this product online.

In this project, we learned one important thing — make your project doable and manageable within a reasonable time frame. While we should dream big, we should always partition our dream into manageable, achievable, implementable, measurable, and profitable portions. Don’t shoot for the star right from the start.

Another thing is, focus. Don’t jump from one project to another before the first one is built and running. Create a project that give you momentum to achieve more for the next ones. If it’s an asset, then make sure it generates ongoing income first. Don’t starve yourself by doing one gigantic project that won’t see result until a year later.

Third is, take actions. Accept the fact that every action involve some risk and opportunity cost. But the biggest risk is spending time doing nothing that lead to income.

After you settle for the best choice you can find within a reasonable time frame, just do it. Stop looking around for greener pasture. Just finish the project you have on hand. Don’t keep studying and practicing but do nothing that directly lead to income. You must stop studying and researching at certain point. If you really have to spend a long time on research because the project is much bigger than you can handle with the knowledge and skill you already have, then it’s too big for you, go back to the first lesson I just shared.

When you get your first project running, then you have the feedback and experience which you can build upon for the next one.

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